3 Month (and a week) check in tomorrow

So I meet with my neurosurgeon tomorrow.  I've done what he asked: become more active, lost weight, and kept track of my symptoms more closely.  I really don't know what to expect tomorrow - I mean I know he could say let's keep monitoring your symptoms (because they still aren't severe enough) or of course he could say it's time - nothing is getting better.  I think for me - I just can't imagine the next 40 - 45 years of this daily pain, because nothing I've tried has given me a 24 hour period of relief.  So I think I would consent to the surgery, but I know that with the surgery there is no guarantee.  So I'm uncertain and uneasy of course - I mean it is my brain and I'm kinda attached to it - although I would definitely say it has started a revolution against me! LOL :)

I think what I really want is what I used to be like and feel like.  I think I'm mourning for what I used to have.  I really try not to dwell on it, because there is a reason that I have this and I really have accepted it, but some days I think about a day with no pain. 

At school, since my students don't know - when I lose my train of thought or when I totally forget something (or when I confirm a time for a conference for a parent that isn't the right time - twice) - I wish they could understand that this isn't the real me - my brain sometimes well has a mind of it's own.  But I guess what I've learned from this is to slow down (especially from the conference fiasco) - double and triple check things.  Oh brother and this year I have a Caleigh, Kaylee, Kylee, Caitlin in one class- well I'll just say it is tripping me up left and right and I don't want the poor girls to take it personally - which of course they do.  I call students by older siblings names more than usual - all of this concentration stuff is really bothering me.  Mostly, because I don't want my students to think it's because I don't know who they are - if that makes sense.  I'm trying to just take the slow it down approach and concentrate to make sure I get it right, but it doesn't always work.  Oh well, all I can do is try. 


I will provide an update.